Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Today's thoughts
Woke today feeling a lot of emotions. My mother has been in the hospital for a week now with pneumonia. Got a call yesterday from her kidney specialist. He said her kidneys are failing and she will need to start dialysis within the next few months. I am an only child, my father is a cheating bastard. He is cheating on my mom with her ex nurse from the nursing home she was staying in. The woman was fired and she goes to my mother's house all the time. He had my mom sign over all her life insurance policies as only him being the beneficiary. Now that my mother is so ill, I am fearful that when she passes, he will not give us the money from her policies to bury her. That woman and my dad are planning this new life for themselves while my mother is fighting for her life and I want to scream! The worst part is, my mother doesn't believe any of us and wants proof in the form of pictures of his infidelity. He has been banned from seeing her because he abuses her and she gets angry at us, her siblings and myself, thinking we are the ones in the wrong. It's the abused woman mentality. He has been abusive; physically, mentally and emotionally, to us my entire life. I have cut him completely out of my life. I will not allow him to abuse me nor my sons, yet having to watch my mother be fooled by him is so frustrating. All this stress of dealing with this situation, plus having a high functioning autistic son, my FM is flaring and I am feeling so alone in this. I don't know how much more I can take? I wish things were just easier. I feel selfish for wishing it was. I am sitting her, feeling all these conflicting emotions, waiting for my laundry to finish drying so I can get dressed and go be with my mother. I am mustering all the strength I have to be able to go and be with her today. Lord, give me strength and courage.
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